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kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3753
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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The Wisdom Of Larry the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines..
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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fun4all
Senior Member
Posts: 481
Registered: 3-7-2007
Location: Indy Westside
Member Is Offline
Mood: southbound and down
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A red-head was talking to her blonde sister and said " I have been sleeping with a Brazillian man and it has been wonderful." The blonde replied "a
brazillian, how many is that?"
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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If men vacuumed
ready for summer!
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mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1166
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
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That's a good way to get men to vacuum
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you
do?"
" First Place !" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make
out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
"I'm entering," says Pinocchio.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the he!! is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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He said . . ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you?
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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There, I fixed it!
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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There, I fixed it!
one more. Talk about 'redneck'.
ready for summer!
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WaterWings
Super Administrator
Posts: 8245
Registered: 2-3-2006
Location: Lexington KY (CB)
Member Is Offline
Mood: Flyin High
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Your gonna hate me for this one!
Potatoes...
Well, A Girl Potato and A Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called
the French Fries.
And when she went out west in the USA , they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the
tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!!!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... well he's just a...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER !!!
WHATEVER floats your boat Dude!
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Lighthouser
Senior Member
Posts: 106
Registered: 2-4-2007
Location: Louisville, Ky./Jamestown Resort Marina
Member Is Offline
Mood: Wanting to catch a record fish!
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We were 55 yrs old sitting in a pizza joint getting ready to order. We noticed they had a senior special. A young blond waitress about 17 came over to
take our order. We asked her how old you had to be to be a senior. She said about 17 or 18.
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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security at its best
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Banned from Walmart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is
like most women - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the
local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Gilbert
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras .
1.. June=2 015: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
11.... October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Sincerely,
Wal-Mart
________________________________
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Survivor, Texas Style
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to
do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco ,
Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville .
They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa ,
Lubbock and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth
and finally back to Dallas .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama,"
"George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your
guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
ready for summer!
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mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1166
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
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I'd watch it!
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JabezBoy
Master Member
Posts: 796
Registered: 6-8-2009
Location: Indy/Jabez
Member Is Offline
Mood: Waiting for the next day on the Lake
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Alleged True Story: Young woman working as a cashier at the grocery store...she scans all the items, sliding them down the counter monotously. She
comes to the last item...scans it - nothing. Scans it again - nothing. She finally looks at the guy and says, "do you know how much these were?"
Guy says, "no, but I am not purchasing those" - It was an order separator (the plastic bar people put down between their order and the next person's
on the conveyor belt.
That story was told to me by one of the people at the grocery store who allegedly witnessed it.
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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funny
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter:
This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the
lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all mankind. Forward to anyone you
know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All
of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old
forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she
was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio
touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a$$. < edited
Thank you for that opportunity.
ready for summer!
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fryman
Master Member
Posts: 1490
Registered: 9-11-2006
Location: Grove Marina, SE KY
Member Is Offline
Mood: Time to relax!!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Ponderisms
1* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.
2* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3* Life is sexually transmitted.
4* Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
5* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
7* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no
one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
10* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
11* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
13* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?
14* Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
15* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?
19* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Don't eat chicken sandwiches
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through
the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken,
don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay"
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting
to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look.
She said....
"Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Garage Door
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This
morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office
puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
door'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two
flat tires.'
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7135
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Medical Breakthrough
A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking
for
work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of
one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we
can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them
both
looking for work in two weeks.'
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way
behind.
We
recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the
White
House, and now half the country is looking for work.
________________________________
ready for summer!
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fourwinns
Senior Member
Posts: 179
Registered: 7-30-2007
Location: symmes twp. oh
Member Is Offline
Mood: get me to twin oaks
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women are like telephones....they like to be held and they like to be talked to but if you hit the wrong button you get disconnected
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kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3753
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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Attention Music Lovers..Beware of Modern Technology.
I was in the coffee shop yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to %@*# (break wind).
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my %@*# with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started feeling much better. But when I finished my coffee, I noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly realized that I was listening to my iPod.
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Cranky Coxswain
Master Member
Posts: 4100
Registered: 9-23-2002
Location: State Dock
Member Is Offline
Mood: cranky
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LMAO. Thanks kdfwr911, I needed that.
BTW, I think the word "fart" is acceptable (just the word, not the action) 
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putergal65
Senior Member
Posts: 133
Registered: 7-3-2007
Location: home sweet home (good ole Jabez)
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWUSOnqqrzQ
FUNNY,
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