| Pages:
1
2
3
4
..
23 |
mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
|
|
Welcome! I think everyone needs a little bit of humor from day to day!
|
|
|
Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7177
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Online
Mood: retired!!
|
|
New treatment for sunburn
New Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor
prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
ready for summer!
|
|
|
Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7177
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Online
Mood: retired!!
|
|
another
ready for summer!
|
|
|
mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
|
|
That reminds me of another Joke that I heard a while back.
Guy goes into the dentist and has to get a tooth pulled. The doctor starts to pull a needle out to numb the guys mouth and the guy says...
"DOC I am scared to death of needles, you aren't putting that thing in my mouth".
The dentist says..
"Alright then, I'll give you laughing gas"
"DOC, I am very claustrophobic and you can't put that thing on my face"
The dentist says
"Well, here take this then" and hands the guy a little blue pill.
"What's this"
"Viagra" Dentist replies, "To give you something to hold onto while I yank this tooth"
|
|
|
|
|
Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7177
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Online
Mood: retired!!
|
|
note to mods: If inappropriate, just delete.
Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just
kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart,
since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden
to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,'Your heart would
be just below your left breast.'
Later that night......Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to the knee.
ready for summer!
|
|
|
Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7177
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Online
Mood: retired!!
|
|
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...' We haven't used Sears
repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the
manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING
sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To
which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham,
Alambama.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is
fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was
a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the
technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking somewhere (I
can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco
Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"
ready for summer!
|
|
|
kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3806
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
Nervous here's one you can add to the list above. True story.....
Stopped a couple on the lake one day years ago for a courtesy safety inspection. While filling out the inspection form the lady asks "what did they do
with all the dirt?" Not sure what she was referring to, I asked what she meant. Then hubby chimes in and says "the brochure says this is a man made
lake, where did they put all the dirt"? I replied "they just piled it up on the banks and planted trees in it".
Yes, after letting them chew on that for a minute or two I did finally explain what the "man-made lake" in the brochure meant. But I've actually been
asked this question twice over the years. 
|
|
|
NearlySatisfied
Master Member
Posts: 4057
Registered: 7-22-2004
Location: SD & Newport, Ky.
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by kdfwr911
Nervous here's one you can add to the list above. True story.....
Stopped a couple on the lake one day years ago for a courtesy safety inspection. While filling out the inspection form the lady asks "what did they do
with all the dirt?" Not sure what she was referring to, I asked what she meant. Then hubby chimes in and says "the brochure says this is a man made
lake, where did they put all the dirt"? I replied "they just piled it up on the banks and planted trees in it".
Yes, after letting them chew on that for a minute or two I did finally explain what the "man-made lake" in the brochure meant. But I've actually been
asked this question twice over the years. |
So what DID they do with all the dirt? 
|
|
|
Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7177
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Online
Mood: retired!!
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by kdfwr911
Nervous here's one you can add to the list above. True story.....
Stopped a couple on the lake one day years ago for a courtesy safety inspection. While filling out the inspection form the lady asks "what did they do
with all the dirt?" Not sure what she was referring to, I asked what she meant. Then hubby chimes in and says "the brochure says this is a man made
lake, where did they put all the dirt"? I replied "they just piled it up on the banks and planted trees in it".
Yes, after letting them chew on that for a minute or two I did finally explain what the "man-made lake" in the brochure meant. But I've actually been
asked this question twice over the years. |
Good
one!
ready for summer!
|
|
|
Spooner
Master Member
Posts: 1146
Registered: 6-16-2006
Member Is Offline
Mood: I FARM - YOU EAT
|
|
COWS, GOLF AND A WIFE
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple Bruises, two black eyes,and a five iron wrapped tightly Around his throat.Naturally the
doctor asked him,What happened to you? "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,When at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into
a cow pasture.We went to look for them and while I was looking around I Noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over,
lifted its tail, and sure enough,there was a golf ball with my wife's Monogram on it -stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the
cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that..."
|
|
|
mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
|
|
Idiot Sighting.. aka "Here's your sign"
|
|
|
kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3806
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by NearlySatisfied
| Quote: | Originally posted by kdfwr911
Nervous here's one you can add to the list above. True story.....
Stopped a couple on the lake one day years ago for a courtesy safety inspection. While filling out the inspection form the lady asks "what did they do
with all the dirt?" Not sure what she was referring to, I asked what she meant. Then hubby chimes in and says "the brochure says this is a man made
lake, where did they put all the dirt"? I replied "they just piled it up on the banks and planted trees in it".
Yes, after letting them chew on that for a minute or two I did finally explain what the "man-made lake" in the brochure meant. But I've actually been
asked this question twice over the years. |
So what DID they do with all the dirt? |
Duh! They just piled it up on the banks and planted trees in it. 
|
|
|
squakmeister
Master Member
Posts: 9118
Registered: 5-13-2007
Location: Pleasant Hill
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by kdfwr911
| Quote: | Originally posted by NearlySatisfied
| Quote: | Originally posted by kdfwr911
Nervous here's one you can add to the list above. True story.....
Stopped a couple on the lake one day years ago for a courtesy safety inspection. While filling out the inspection form the lady asks "what did they do
with all the dirt?" Not sure what she was referring to, I asked what she meant. Then hubby chimes in and says "the brochure says this is a man made
lake, where did they put all the dirt"? I replied "they just piled it up on the banks and planted trees in it".
Yes, after letting them chew on that for a minute or two I did finally explain what the "man-made lake" in the brochure meant. But I've actually been
asked this question twice over the years. |
So what DID they do with all the dirt? |
Duh! They just piled it up on the banks and planted trees in it.
|
I wonder where all the water came from. You'd think there was a river flowing around here somewhere.
|
|
|
mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by squakmeister
I wonder where all the water came from. You'd think there was a river flowing around here somewhere. |
I thought you used hoses to fill up lakes and pools. 
|
|
|
mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
|
|
( Felt like I needed a smile today and thought other ppl might as well )
Comin' 'Cross the Ohio River
There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the
water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, ''Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your
side of the river!''
''Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!'' the redneck yelled back.
The buckeye replied, ''Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!''
|
|
|
Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7177
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Online
Mood: retired!!
|
|
Thanks mouth89. Needed that.
Course...it should be the other way around.
ready for summer!
|
|
|
Durbins Taxidermy
Junior Member
Posts: 37
Registered: 8-17-2008
Location: Louisville/State Dock
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her
the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started..... 
|
|
|
Durbins Taxidermy
Junior Member
Posts: 37
Registered: 8-17-2008
Location: Louisville/State Dock
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's dam near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
|
|
|
Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7177
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Online
Mood: retired!!
|
|
How can you tell...
ready for summer!
|
|
|
mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
|
|
That is awesome!
|
|
|
kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3806
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
|
|
|
kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3806
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he
would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise."
The old man faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
|
|
|
kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3806
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As
they carry the casket towards the door, the husband suddenly jumps up and cries out, "Watch that wall!!!"
|
|
|
kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3806
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
|
|
|
kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3806
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
|
|
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all
empty and quiet.
'Hello?' she cried, but there was no answer.
'Is there anyone here?' she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around, and she yelled at the top of her voice,
'HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away............
'We're down here.'
|
|
|
| Pages:
1
2
3
4
..
23 |
![[*]](images/xpsilver/default_icon.gif){kind=icon}
