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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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How about a little humor for today
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Well yes, but you should try Electricians!
Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Builders. Those chaps
always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
ready for summer!
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mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
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Thanks for the humor, we needed a rather light subject. That's funny.
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kdfwr911 (retired)
Super Moderator
Posts: 3801
Registered: 6-9-2004
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they
decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel
is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here, and you could have.'
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just chillin
Master Member
Posts: 1041
Registered: 10-31-2003
Location: The Nati/State Dock
Member Is Offline
Mood: Stirring the pot.
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Those are a couple good ones.
\"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!\" Really, it isn\'t!
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Rather_B_Boatin
Senior Member
Posts: 361
Registered: 4-28-2008
Location: Burlington, Ky & JRM
Member Is Offline
Mood: Needing some heat
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Good stuff. Here is another:
Edited: Sorry "boatin" but I don't think that one is appropriate for LC.com WW
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4-PLAY
Senior Member
Posts: 290
Registered: 10-31-2005
Location: Florence, Ky.(CB)
Member Is Offline
Mood: spring
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My 1 day employment
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many
retirees,
I lasted less than a day...About two hours into my first day on the job
a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with
her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hel no, they
ain't 0twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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| Quote: | Originally posted by 4-PLAY
My 1 day employment
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many
retirees,
I lasted less than a day...About two hours into my first day on the job
a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with
her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hel no, they
ain't 0twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. |
good
one.
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't
been to together since we got married. Plus the fact that were Chelsea fans means we here regularly."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
ready for summer!
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Junior#8
Senior Member
Posts: 258
Registered: 8-19-2005
Location: Mansfield-Mifflin, Ohio / Burnside
Member Is Offline
Mood: Teetering
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I was driving to work this morning, and while stopping for a red light, I bumped the car in front of me. Little did I know but the driver of the car
was a dwarf. Out he comes. He looks at his car. He looks at my truck. Then he stomps towards me cursing the whole way. I roll down my window and
he yells up at me, "I just want you to know, I'm not happy!" I look down at him from my truck and reply, "sooo which one are you then?!?!?!"
Life\'s tough....it\'s even tougher when you\'re stupid! John Wayne
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KyAl98
Super Moderator
Posts: 4124
Registered: 9-11-2003
Location: Albany (Clinton Co.), KY
Member Is Offline
Mood: Love Summer!
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I like a good joke as much as the next person, but just a reminder before we get in too deep here - forum rules are that if you can't tell it in a
Sunday School class, you can't tell it here.
Adm/KyAl
Hate that eight mile drive home!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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sign
ready for summer!
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striperphil
Senior Member
Posts: 325
Registered: 8-21-2007
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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A man goes to the doctor and complains of having awful headaches. The doc tells him to strip and begins a physical. When the tests are completed the
doc says "I've got some good news and some bad. The good news is I've found the problem. Your testicles are pressing up against your spinal column
and that is causing the headaches. The bad news is that the only thing I know to relieve the pain is to remove them!" After some thought, the man
tells the doc to do the surgery, he can't stand the pain any longer.
After the surgery the pain was completely gone, but the man fell into a deep depression as he felt like less of a man. His friend advised him to
take some of his money and treat himself to something extra nice to lift his spirits. He says "You know, I've always wanted a nice Italian suit." So
he takes a couple of grand out of the bank and heads to the tailor.
He tells the tailor that he would like a nice Armani suit in dark blue pin-stripe. The tailor takes a glance at him and says "The jacket will be a 44
stout" and heads to the back to find a jacket for him to try on. It fits perfectly and the man says "Dang, you've got a good eye for this stuff."
The tailor says "I should, I've been doing this for 25 years". He looks at the man again and says " The shirt will be standard large with 23 in.
sleeves and a 17 in. neck" and he heads to the back to find a shirt for him to try on. It fit perfectly. The man says "Geez, you're good. I'm
Impressed" The tailor says "Like I said, I've been doing this for 25 years".
He takes anothe glance at the man and says "the trousers will have a 31 inch inseam and a 37 inch waist". The man says "Nope, you missed on that one.
I wear a 34 inch waist". The tailor says "No way, I've been doing this for 25 years and you're a solid 37". Nope, the man says, I've always worn a
34. The tailor says "That's impossible, if you tried to wear a 34, it would press your testicles up against your spine and you'd have these awful
headaches...........
\"He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty four days now without taking a fish.\" Conley
Bottom Striper Guide Service http://www.conleystriper.com |
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cabowabo
Senior Member
Posts: 396
Registered: 7-24-2002
Location: Chillicothe, Ohio
Member Is Offline
Mood: Livin it up!!
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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor
who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
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striperphil
Senior Member
Posts: 325
Registered: 8-21-2007
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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Thought of another moldy oldie.
A guy sits down on a bar stool and orders a beer. When the bartender brings his beer, the customer says "check this out". He reaches into a pocket
and pulls out a tiny grand piano and sets it on the bar. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a little man about the size of a beer bottle
and sets him on the bar. The little man walks over to the piano and just starts playing like crazy.
The astonished bartender says "that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Where did you get that?" The customer reaches into his pocket again and
pulls out a brass oil lamp. He says "I just rubbed on this lamp, and the genie inside granted me one wish". The bartender says "wow, do you mind if
I try"? "Be my guest" said the customer.
The bartender grabs the lamp, gives it a rub, and Poof, a cloud os smoke and a genie appeared over the bar. The genie booms "I'll grant you just one
wish"! The bartender says "That's easy, I'd like a million bucks"!
Poof, another cloud of smoke and suddenly there are ducks everywhere! They're crashing through the windows, knocking bottles over, and tearing the
bar to pieces! The bartender screams at the customer, "What the<b>[Censored]</b>is wrong with that genie of yours? I didn't say ducks, I
said bucks"! The customer looks at the bartender and replies "you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist"?
\"He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty four days now without taking a fish.\" Conley
Bottom Striper Guide Service http://www.conleystriper.com |
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555INlove
Senior Member
Posts: 246
Registered: 4-4-2008
Location: Columbus, IN / Jabez, KY
Member Is Offline
Mood: everybody\'s workin\' for the weekend!
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Those are all great!! Thanks for brightening the day for us working stiffs!!
\"Attitude is not a gene, it\'s a muscle. You must exercise it.\"
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Rather_B_Boatin
Senior Member
Posts: 361
Registered: 4-28-2008
Location: Burlington, Ky & JRM
Member Is Offline
Mood: Needing some heat
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Subject: Even the Lord has Limitations
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
booming voice, the Lord said,' Because you have TRIED to
be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could
understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?
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SupremeJudge
Master Member
Posts: 727
Registered: 2-14-2005
Location: Cincinnati
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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Amen Lord!!!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Rather_B_Boatin
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that
bridge? |
good one!
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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redneck jokes
You might be a redneck if...
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event
ready for summer!
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five
minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking
ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a Dumb butt. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.
So Karen called him an ugly name. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about twenty minutes. The more we abused him,
the more tickets he wrote.
Just then, our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now
that we're retired. It's important at our age.
ready for summer!
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squakmeister
Master Member
Posts: 9118
Registered: 5-13-2007
Location: Pleasant Hill
Member Is Offline
Mood: No Mood
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Nervous_Wreck
Just then, our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now
that we're retired. It's important at our age. |
Nervous, you're not only retired, but you are also a "Troublemaker".
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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Women do get confused sometimes
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked
to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation
as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece
together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and 20 squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out
of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
ready for summer!
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mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
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haha good one.
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mouth89
Master Member
Posts: 1167
Registered: 3-2-2009
Location: Holly Bay Laurel Lake
Member Is Offline
Mood: Ready! Set! Boat!
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North vs. South
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches
The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services
The South has family reunions
The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names
The South has double first names
The North has an ambulance
The South has an amalance
The North has the Mafia
The South has NASCAR
The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races
The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits
The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins
The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads
The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners
The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt
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Nervous_Wreck
Master Member
Posts: 7172
Registered: 8-21-2007
Location: Enon,Oh. / Ali-1
Member Is Offline
Mood: retired!!
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thanks for keepin it goin mouth89.
ready for summer!
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